Conflict—Why You’re Probably Doing It Wrong
Credit: @grstocks
Conflict bubbles up in our lives nearly every day in some way. All forms of conflict vary in type and severity, but often we seem to struggle with proportionality and communication—causing conflict to become more severe and go on longer without resolution, or worse—intensify and come to unwanted conclusions. This is all about how we can change our priorities, egos and thoughts about communication and conflict in order to get more positive benefits out of life.
One of the worst ways to address any problem, and one that I highlight often, is reacting to issues while upset. There is nothing wrong with being upset, but it may be best to not react immediately, and process emotions away from the other party for some time before reacting whenever possible. Others can mirror our behavior, so when our emotions are guiding the way, reactions are more extreme and responses from the other party could be similar. This can “start things off on the wrong foot”—I think we’ve all realized we’ve done this unnecessarily in our lives at times. Hopefully, starting from that standpoint doesn’t create permanent changes that could damage relationships or create resentments.
Our egos usually do a great job of creating these types of problems for us. There are usually some common themes in the underlying motivations behind our visceral reactions when we face difficulties with others. Oftentimes, we are motivated by wanting to be right, or “winning” while trying to avoid looking like a “loser” in our perception, asserting dominance, or frankly, justifying our own sh***y behavior. Contrary to popular belief, you are not obligated to react to everything or fight others on every issue that comes your way out of a hurt ego. This is one of the quickest ways we can become stuck and lose focus on important things. You must really consider why certain conflicts with others are so upsetting to you, and also whether this will really be important to you in the grand scheme of things. If not, it may be best to move on.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, failing to communicate altogether is a massive hindrance. I am often surprised how deep into conflict some people get without ever taking the time to ask for what they truly want, need, or explain what is actually bothering them. Not sharing ideas, addressing problems, and expressing feelings, wants and needs typically only allows resentments and misunderstandings to build. Often people complain that the other person should have known not to do X or say Y. However true that may be, sometimes people don’t know until they know! Failing to address things more openly fuels long term resentments and creates so many missed opportunities for personal, professional and relationship growth. We can create opportunities for positive change when we are frustrated with others, or them with us. Active listening, honest communication, and expressing genuine intentions/feelings politely works to create space for both parties to open up and understand each other better. This can create significantly better results in personal and professional relationships, as well as feed us the information we need to make decisions about the types of relationships and interactions we want to keep in our lives.
The approach to conflict does not have to always be contention. Escalating conflict drastically is a choice and often one that doesn’t have to be made. It should always be a last resort unless circumstances are extreme. Approaching potential conflicts as a problem to solve together, rather than a reason to fight, and without necessarily assigning blame will be much more likely to invite a receptive response. Like most things, it’s not usually the message, but the delivery that can cause problems when interacting with others. However, reaching out in this different manner, even when you feel aggrieved, can create the space for some ownership from both parties, a better beginning point for discussion and possibly a much better outcome than alternatives.
Overall, prioritizing what problems truly are and aren't important in your life is a key to staying focused on problems that really affect you. This allows for increased focus on the beneficial things your life should be centered around. Learning to not react to upsets immediately, particularly when you feel like your reaction could be highly driven by emotion is obviously key. Taking that step back also allows us to think more critically about the situation and our potential role in creating it. (We often contribute in some way to the very interpersonal issues we experience—don’t deny it!) Taking the time to think about an approach that will be more likely to foster a better conversation and hopefully a better solution than alternatives is not a sign of weakness, but one of strength and logic. You can still be generous and approachable, but also be reasonably firm in asking for what you want or need. Finding the balance between standing in your power to make decisions for yourself without coming across as hostile and off-putting can take time and practice, but is worth it. Incorporating fresh perspectives to recurring problems in this way could promote strong positive changes in your life you may not have envisioned before. It’s about learning to speak up strategically!