Never-Ending Divorce: Recipes for an Unnecessarily Long & Painful Split
Credit: @danieltafjord
Divorces can be a very stressful, impactful and even traumatic experience for most families, couples, children and everyone involved. Sadly though, when it gets ugly it is often made far worse along the way by the decisions of one or both of the parties.
Unresolved feelings, egos and many other factors can cause people to make hurtful decisions and are likely to negatively impact the divorce process. These difficulties can be avoided if couples care for themselves adequately, remain balanced and stay focused on the important objectives.
Understandably, separating couples are emotional and those emotions might change from moment to moment for some time. However, this is not the time for emotions to completely take the driver’s seat. While acknowledging and feeling your feelings is very important and definitely has its place, that place is mostly THERAPY. I really cannot say this enough: Your overall health and wellness have to be front and center when you go through a divorce. How are you to be present for yourself, your children or your loved ones if you are not willing to be mindful of yourself and make an effort to maintain balance during such a massive life transition? To ensure that, please go to therapy; maintain your positive regular habits of diet and exercise; meditate; socialize; vacation; and etc.
Because divorcing couples are in a new space in their lives, it also might be a good idea to find some new hobbies or create some new experiences. Focusing on new and forward thinking ambitions may help keep your focus driven in that direction rather than excessively ruminating in the past or becoming entrenched in the same emotional traps and conflicts that are likely to hold you back.
Many couples unfortunately neglect their needs and instead seem to use the divorce process as a high voltage outlet for their anger and hurt. The classic couple where each one of them wants to fight about every little thing tooth and nail? Please do not allow yourself or a loved one to make this mistake. It will undoubtedly be an expensive and painful route. When getting everything becomes the goal, the result is almost always court intervention, Domestic Violence Restraining Orders (DVRO), supervised child drop-offs/visits, work disruptions (potential job loss), depression, anxiety, financial issues and so much more. This kind of family court experience is the kind that can really tear a family apart.
I once knew a divorcing couple where the process dragged on for more than five years because one party simply refused everything that was offered to them, would not ask for what they actually wanted, changed their mind often, etc. I became convinced this was because they were just an unhappy person at that point and wanted to make their spouse suffer. In the end, because of the lack of commitment to decision making the previously shared and successful businesses the couple had built together was essentially in ruins. All that hard work, clientele, reputation, potential future earnings just gone.
Is “sticking it” to the ex really worth it? I can’t imagine that it is. It shouldn’t have to be that hard for anyone and it certainly didn’t help anything. It only further complicated an already complicated life for the entire family.
However, I’d have to guess that at the moment, some people may feel vindicated for winning, or at least making things very difficult for the other party. Yet, many later realize the true cost of the time, money and energy devoted to that, when it could have been spent on something much more positive and beneficial. It is incredibly easy to get caught up in a war of egos with an ex, but you need to stop and ask yourself what it is exactly that you’re winning at? Appearing less vulnerable? Making them pay for all the wrong they did to you? Congratulations! But you should be mindful of what that will cost you in money, emotional harm to you or your children, and a whole bunch of time wasted—focused on emotions of the past, instead of focusing on a better future for yourself. There is also a high probability that your relationship with the other party may further degrade. This should be an especially important consideration where there are young children involved, as adding strain to an already unstable situation will obviously make co-parenting successfully that much harder.
So, how do you avoid some of these things from happening? First and foremost, remembering self care and staying mindful of how your emotions can take over in all the wrong places during a split must be a top priority. You need to distinguish the things you actually need to secure a peaceful and realistic living situation for yourself under the circumstances and not just say you want this or that because you’re upset about everything going on. Prioritize what needs to be addressed more immediately (living arrangement, child care, pet care, sharing of everyday bills and responsibilities, etc.) and work together to address them. Trying to do this alone can be difficult, as emotions can be high. Many couples use their marriage and family counselor before they’ve had the opportunity to reach out to a mediator or attorney. Once you have created any distance necessary and had some time to consider what you might actually need from each other, then you can address everything else in more detail. There is nothing wrong with reaching out to an attorney for help, but if your intent is to not litigate at all costs, then you must express that from the beginning. Don’t settle for any attorney who seems dismissive of this request or tries to push you towards litigation against your wishes.
With any luck, if you approach your partner calmly, reasonably and with the intention to preserve the marital assets and each other’s sanity as much as possible, then you will be met with the same attitude. If not, try to keep the message the same and get as much help to de-escalate as possible, such as a mediator, counselor, etc. There are even collaborative divorce companies where you can draw several professionals into the mix to help you get the job done. You really owe it to yourselves to try to get through it and move forward as quickly and smoothly as possible however you can. It’s your life you’ll risk harming or missing out on otherwise!